dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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