I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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