I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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