I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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