saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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