just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
