if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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