When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
