dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
