the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
