I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize