hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He passed out mid-signature
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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