He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
