Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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