I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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