in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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