Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
