i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
