this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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