my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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