come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he fucked my hip out of place.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
