pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
