I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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