Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
