I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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