If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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