John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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