If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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