3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
