We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
