Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
