I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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