She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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