I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
