She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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