i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
