one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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