im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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