woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
