I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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