We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
