trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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