Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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