My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
