I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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