i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
