i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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