I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
