The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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