I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
