I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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