she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
