i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
