I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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