living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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