Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
