This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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