I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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